“If you don’t love yourself, you’ll always be looking for someone else to fill the void inside you, but no one will ever be able to do it.” ~Lori Deschene
This year I have fallen in and out of love. It was not just once.
First, I felt deeply held and heard. Then, I experienced being supported. First, for the first time in a very long time I realized what it was to love.
Second, I found a spontaneous soul who was able to light up my life and remind me of who I am.
I gave up earth-shatteringly to something that would make me grow, someone who would inspire and crack open my heart.
Each time, I fell softly; tenderly, lovingly and openly from my heart. All this falling and flying mixed with heartstrings twisting and tears, yet I’m here still trying to see my way through my vault.
My heart is filled almost instantly with the love and support of another person, much like stardust. This black hole is constantly expanding, shifting and then engulfing.
The love also expands and shifts, it swirls and grows—I feel temporarily full until I begin to lose my glow. It makes me wonder if I will ever be able to sit here without crying and feeling full of doubt. And it hits me, like a meteor of light—gold dust running through my veins and lightning in my heart.
Not by another person’s love, or the way it feels, my vault will be filled by my dreams, my wonder and my soul-powered hopes. This is the life that I long for.
So, here I am, giggling and crying as well as sentimentally smiling at life’s irony. I know that even the love I desire will not be sufficient. I will never be able to hold anyone close enough to keep my love alive and fill me with its warmth.
Your person may be a light in your heart, but will not fill your whole world. And so, we must vow to ourselves—we must allow ourselves—to fall in and out of love, not just with another, but with our true selves. This does not mean synchronizing, but aligning our hearts every day.
Our life must be viewed in the light that we see it. Trust that the universe will provide everything we require. Others may be able to unlock our hearts with the golden keys of vulnerability, hope, longing and loss. However, we need to stay on our path and put our efforts into a lasting love.
Our hearts need to be filled with the visions, dreams and goals we have in mind. All this love makes me refuse to remain static. I won’t let anyone take from me my passion and empty my soul. Even if that means I have to constantly fall and fly, contract and expand, it is all part of my desire to experience it all.
It is how I can stay true to myself, to the place where my pain meets mine madness and to shift my perspective. Although my vault continues to unlock and shine with gold, this gold will never fade if it is not fed. Now I understand. It doesn’t just have to be a temporary glow.
I don’t want to be loved. I long to love.
I desire to be loved. While I would love to travel with someone else, I also want to be true to me.
So here I am, again falling in love deeply, fully, and navigating new relationships, while also remembering all that I’ve learned. They won’t be enough without me being true to myself. But who is my “true self”?
She is joy, creativity, freedom, and passion. She is exploration, travel, writing, and compassion. She sings from my heartstrings, and she hugs me.
She helps me to ground my body, and roots my earthly soul. She is having space to reflect, to vision, and to create—to live my best possible life every single day.
My bedroom is filled with her full heart. She dances in it, taking in the beauty of tiny flower buds and looking up at the milkyway above. Even when it rains outside, she is taking a break to appreciate the simple things in life. She is crying from my heart center, even when I don’t know what it’s about, she is cleansing my body with long baths and bucket loads of Epsom salt.
My body is being moved and emotions are released from deep inside. She’s letting go yang to allow me to settle into yin. My soul is being expressed in a way I feel good about, and she creates zesty creations to fill me full of energy. She shares my story, and is honest even with the hurts.
My sorrows are drowning and she’s diving in oceans, her sweet and salty locks soaring for air. My body is being flooded with sunlight and she allows me to relax when I feel tired and dim. She asks for direction and prays from her heart. However, she surrenders softly to the flow of life and allows it to happen.
She is asking for help when I feel lost and broken, calling up a friend and sharing what I’m feeling. Connecting with Source and being committed to my daily cup, filling it up and sharing the journey is what she does. She spends time with those who respect my time, are generous with their time, have the same values as me, and who believe in the importance of growing.
It is so obvious that she shines brightly it almost blinds others. When there are conversations and the pain starts to come out, she is bravely and boldly standing by her convictions. Forgiving her past and not looking to the future is what she does. She lives in the present and creates a balance center.
This is my love, my infinite love—my true self.
While I’m open to the possibility of falling in love with another person, I won’t let that stop me from honoring my core. Although the journey of love took me far, it taught me that my heart is capable of creating. And until it stops beating, I will allow it to shimmer and glow, igniting my dreams and letting my vault know—I will fill you. Every single day.
About Jadine Lydia
Jadine Lydia is an Intuitive Life Coach L.C.H Dip. Manifestation Maker and Universal Lover & Co-Creator. Her happy-go-lucky, holistic approach to life, love and laughter inspires others to connect to the divine. Her inspirational content, books, and ecourses empower others to take in-tutive action towards realizing their deepest desires and dreams. www.jadinelydia.com
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